My Brother 2/25/2013

I officially think my brother need help. We were joking around and I grabbed his bag of chips and tossed it onto my desk. He then got throughly pissed for no aparent reason and whipped the clip at my face, punched my arm and took it back. This happened a half hour ago and it still hurts. Now, he's playing a game and laughing like nothing happened. Screw him. I don't like this monster he's becoming. He's a bully. He calls me derogatory names all the time. I wish he would just...stop...

Just Go Away...FOREVER 2/18/2013

The moment when you go onto Facebook and see that one of your classmates in your small class of 30 people of 9th through 12th grade total posts "I hate this school and everyone in it." Well, I'm in it and I've been nothing but awesome to you since I first met you. Sorry I wasn't good enough to NOT be hated by you despite my support. Just go away then. Friends who group people together and judge them in packs deserve nothing from me. Just screw off. That's it, I'm done caring for people like you. Everyone just needs to go away.

As you can see I'm in one of my pits again. Since my tablet is broken I can't draw and vent and I'm sure as hell not going to write because if someone in my family finds it they'll judge. I hate people who judge. GAH! I JUST HATE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW...They cause nothing but pain. I think everyone should just leave me alone. Just go away...

In other news my mother keeps talking about my savings money like I'm going to actually start driving someday. Stop acting like you have my future planned out for me. Stop treating me like I'm your doll you can live through. I have my own soul and my own future and its mine to make. If I wanted to forget everything you've taught me up until now and do whatever I wanted I could. I could get away from here and leave forever and you'd only be upset because I didn't grow up to be a clone of you. Like I said, everyone needs to go away.

Fuck off everyone.

First Legit Celebrity Crush? 2/1/2013

Today I saw the last half of Skyfall, that new James Bond movie, in my darkened living room. The new Q is...amazingly adorable. Or as my firned put it "a real Qtie". I gotta say, he really is. That is all...no seriously, that's it. That's all I have to say. You can carry on about in your average days.

No Summer Job 2/11/2013

At 17 years old, I have had my first "HOLY CRAP" realization. Not like the basic "HOLY CRAP I FORGOT TO TURN IN ____" like the explosive "HOLY CRAP...IF ___ THEN ___ AND ___...!"  I was just laying in bed playing my Rhythm Heaven DS game when it hit me when I looked at my ceiling. I thought "Oh my God...someday sooner than later I'm going to look up at my ceiling and I'll be totally alone under one roof. I'll be all by myself in my future home...and that'll be it..." Its been on my mind for a long while that my life has slowly been slipping away from me. Adulthood is nipping at my heels and even though I know its the fate of everyone...it still makes me feel like garbage. I don't WANT to just melt into society! I don't want to end up being a nobody of society waking up, going to work, going home and to bed and then just repeating that every single day. It would kill me. It would literally kill me. I could never live like that. EVER.

My parents already know about this whole thing and I've decided this far in advance that for this reason I won't be getting a Summer job to better dedicate my time to my family. I mean...this is my last Summer before college. I will NOT waste it in some crummy job somewhere. I love my family too much. I guess...I'll get one after that summer then. Wish me luck. I...really need it. The future has officially scared the living hell out of me.

Venting About Myself 2/7/2013

Well, it seems we have a lot to catch up on, my lovelies. The new permanent principal for our school started a day or two ago. Besides bringing muffins, I am still especially suspicious of her. We had a demon before and I'm not about to let someone new into my heart. She better not take it personally. It's just the way I am. Today we stayed home and even though I said I'd get everything done for school I didn't even log on. I feel so stupid and I'm expecting to get talked to tomorrow. I am so behind already and I'm dropping into one of my depressed periods again. Sucks to be me right now.

In other news, my mom started a blog. It's getting harder and harder to keep this one a secret. It's killing me. I will never tell her about this. Ever. This is MY world and MY secret. This is a place where I can freely speak and not worry about being judged or punished for m actions. I won't subscribe to her blog either. If she has my account, she'll look to my profile. If she goes to my profile, she'll see this. Look, mom, I have my secrets. Trust me. There's things I won't even write on here.

I guess right now my biggest issue is loneliness. Again I am struck by the singleness...With Single Awareness Day quickly approaching, I'm seeing Valentines pop up all over the place and even though I don't technically celebrate it either way I still feel lonely in my little reality bubble. I know i'm not the only on in this same boat but it is still a very empty feeling. Then again, there's another issue that's far more pressing and far more sad. My weight. I'm severly overweight for my age and I give myself panic attacks and upset stomachs trying to make myself stop eating. I will be totally honest. If I could be anorexic, I would. If I could lose weight like an anorexic, I WOULD. I WOULD IN A MINUTE, NO...A SECOND. Why am I so...ugly?

Still VERY VERY Sick 2/2/2013

Still sick. So very, very sick. I'm actually getting worse as the hours and minutes go by. It's kind of scary if you ask me but i'm sure it'll go away soon. Trust me, I read WebMD. Then again it said I had...(goes to check) either strep throat or throat cancer. There is no way in hell I have cancer so its either a damn hard flu or strep throat. Wish me luck in kicking this bastard's ass. And also, my filter goes away when I'm sick. As you can see.