I'm Confused 5/2/2013

Before you get confused I've decided to do something new from now on. Whenever I feel the need to write something I will. It won't be just a semi-daily thing. This'll keep me busy.

I'm listening to music right now...but I don't want to listen to music because its over-stimulating. However, when I turn it off I feel empty and under-stimulated and I have to hear something. I'm so confused by this. Maybe its the fact that its about time I went into one of my depression periods again. It comes with the bipolar. I'll have a few weeks of awesomeness then a few weeks of not so awesomeness. I'm so confused my myself that sometimes its hard to even know what's real or not for my brain. My clinical lycanthropy has become more and more of a pillow cushion this last depression rut and I'm afraid I may become dependent on it in this one. I'm just a broken girl that can't really depend on the people around me. Its not their fault. Its mine. I'm actually pretty chill on the outside. But you know how that is.

I Understand the Song Now 5/2/2013

I'm alive, sistahs and bruthahs! School has just been killer and if you're in school right now you'll understand. With the school year's end getting nearer and nearer, we all need to be prepared and (being a student) I've been pushed to the breaking point. Thank God for music though! Its really kept me progressive! If I were to recomend a few bands I'd say "Imagine Dragons" and "Foster the People". Also, I'm learning how awesome Paloma Faith is. Check her out too. And, just saying, Spotify is a godsend. Just...go download it. Right now.

Recently, I heard this song by a band called AWOLNATION called "Kill your Heroes". As expected when I told my mom she was disgusted but she didn't hear what the song was about. She listened to my words but didn't really hear. Right now, go listen to the song. Don't worry, I can wait...................Alright, you're back. It really spoke to me when I heard it but I didn't understand it fully except for a single line or two. Now, a day later, I do understand. You don't physically kill your heroes. Kill your heroes in your mind and fight for your own fate. Fight for your dreams because you can't just follow someone else your whole life. Everybody must die is what the song says and transferring to you AND your heroes. Nobody really deserves to live on forever in our memory because they usually did something wrong or non-role model worthy (if you're gonna nitpick about Jesus, then I see where you have footing and he does deserve to be respected and remembered but you got my point). I think we were all put on this planet for a reason. Whether its to save the world or save one person we all have a purpose. But I also think our fate is not pre-determined. We are put on earth for a reason not yet known. Make your reason worth every breath you take and learn to take each breath with pride.

The Power of Freeman 4/16/2013

Ah first post in a while. There's a reason. I've been in gaming isolation. This means that I've found a game so delightfully frustrating, puzzling and entertaining that I've stayed up hour after hour in my continued attempts to beat it. What game is this, dare you ask? First, allow me to tell you the backstory. I have always been up until a few months ago...a conservative gamer. That's right, I've tried to stay within my gaming boundaries I set for myself and play only games in that small sector. This, in turn, cut me off from awesome titles. Then, I was at a thrift store and found one disc that would change all this. Half Life: Game of the Year Edition. I was excited beyond belief because when you register this game you got a TON of classic Valve games. I was skeptical but bought it anyways. Over the next month I succesfully beat all three of the classic Half Life games (original, Blue Shift, and Opposing Force).

I was entranced. Never before had a FPS gotten my attention as this series had and I craved more. But then reality set in and I was unable to buy Half Life 2. I was torn. THEN...one of my good friends showed me a special website. Contained within its pages was another Half Life...Black Mesa Source. I downloaded immediately  waited two hours for the files to copy to my PC and downloaded the game without hesitation. I've been playing near non-stop between school and chores and have got only so far. If you've ever played Half Life you know the game lasts a long time. And with this ones updated designs and puzzles I can't see myself finishing anytime soon. I can only imagine what the Nihilith will be like.

On another, more melancholy note, I hope you can spare the time to pray for the people in Boston.

Just one minute of a prayer if you can manage. 

Have strength.

Dayum Guys, I'm Sorry XD 4/2/2013

It seems (after reading my past few posts and beyond) that I have forgotten the direction of this blog. And ya know, I never meant for that to happen. This was meant for me to use as a blog not an outlet for my pain and I wanted to apologize personally for that. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me and keep reading because I will be posting far more often now that things are kinda looking up. Now that my pity-party is winding down and my emo is going home bit by bit I hope that you can all see past those flaws and continue reading. In addition...I have some big news that comes in two parts.

First of all...I confessed for the first time in my entire life. The crush I've had for a long time (like...a solid crush for at least 6 months) was playing an April Fools joke on me. It wasn't a very funny joke at all, to be honest. He played depressed like he was quitting everything and even Skype and bailing on my and everyone else and even fakes logging off. My reaction was to say "DON'T. WAIT. I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU YET". At this point I was in tears I was to flipped out (see, not funny at all). He came back on and said "April Fools!" and then...asked..."Tell me what?" After a ton and I mean a ton of prying (and maybe a little emotional support from one of my good friends) I finally told him. I was sooooo emotional and scared I even made him promise to not laugh and that nothing would change between us if I told him. Of coursem he was flattered and told me that it was the first time someone had confessed to him.

Then I got a little pinch of dissapointment. He did turn me down. But I took it remarkably well. I thanked him for not overreacting and said that he has had the same thoughts a few times but would prefer to have me as a friend because he's not looking for someone more than a friend. The way he worded it and the kindness he showed that I was upsetting myself was appreciated and according to my friend (who has dated before) I took rejection like a pro (haha). I'm not that bad off for first confession/rejection. I'm actually content with myself and know that we will still be good friends. And who knows what the future holds. Maybe as we grow up he may change his mind a little. I'm not getting my hopes up but that would be nice.

So...yeah! I'll be posting more often and more positively in the future. Take care, everyone!

Ultimate Confusion 3/18/2013

That's right, depression to confusion and a pinch of nervous. I played the heartless coward and got someone else to contact my dad about me being 100% unable to to the college courses during high school. If you don't remember, they were college level classes in high school my father was dead set on making me do and I didn't qualify. I convinced m school's counselor to call my father and tell him about the college courses. Since the day she said she would, he hasn't mentioned it ONCE. Not a single time even as a comment or private remark. Nothing. Its like the idea just dissipated into thin air. I'm left confused about how the call went and nervous if he'll bring it up again. I know I'm not as brilliant as he is but he insists I am. Maybe he just need to open his eyes and see that. I'm not the genius he plays me out to be. I'm not him. Still...I'm gonna ask the counselor about the call tomorrow.

The Last Thread Tightens to Snap 3/15/2013

I can't take much more of this dissapointment. My parents are never satisfied and don't understand that I'm not them. My friends aren't talking to me anymore and they're 30 minutes away from me even though we're friends on Facebook and I'm on A LOT on my Skype so they can, the one person I thought I had a crush on is telling me he's dealing with issues and can't talk for two weeks. I...can't handle this anymore. I done with dissapointment and pain and anger. I don't know how long I'll be willing to hold on. Somebody help me.

Nothing Left 3/14/2013

I'm afraid of everything right now. I'm having a freaking anxiety attack because my dad wants me to do this program where I take college classes in High school and I don't qualify. Despite this, he insists I'm just not doing well enough. Thanks for making me feel like a living breathing asshole. Then again, I felt like shit before this happened. Screw this. Screw school and life and family and everything. God, there's literally nothing left. What's the point of even trying if its NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH?! FORGET YOU. THIS IS MY LIFE AND I DESERVE IT. ITS MINE. MINE. NOT YOURS. AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT TO DO WITH IT. WATCH ME. I'LL SHOW YOU. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE.