I'm Confused 5/2/2013

Before you get confused I've decided to do something new from now on. Whenever I feel the need to write something I will. It won't be just a semi-daily thing. This'll keep me busy.

I'm listening to music right now...but I don't want to listen to music because its over-stimulating. However, when I turn it off I feel empty and under-stimulated and I have to hear something. I'm so confused by this. Maybe its the fact that its about time I went into one of my depression periods again. It comes with the bipolar. I'll have a few weeks of awesomeness then a few weeks of not so awesomeness. I'm so confused my myself that sometimes its hard to even know what's real or not for my brain. My clinical lycanthropy has become more and more of a pillow cushion this last depression rut and I'm afraid I may become dependent on it in this one. I'm just a broken girl that can't really depend on the people around me. Its not their fault. Its mine. I'm actually pretty chill on the outside. But you know how that is.

I Understand the Song Now 5/2/2013

I'm alive, sistahs and bruthahs! School has just been killer and if you're in school right now you'll understand. With the school year's end getting nearer and nearer, we all need to be prepared and (being a student) I've been pushed to the breaking point. Thank God for music though! Its really kept me progressive! If I were to recomend a few bands I'd say "Imagine Dragons" and "Foster the People". Also, I'm learning how awesome Paloma Faith is. Check her out too. And, just saying, Spotify is a godsend. Just...go download it. Right now.

Recently, I heard this song by a band called AWOLNATION called "Kill your Heroes". As expected when I told my mom she was disgusted but she didn't hear what the song was about. She listened to my words but didn't really hear. Right now, go listen to the song. Don't worry, I can wait...................Alright, you're back. It really spoke to me when I heard it but I didn't understand it fully except for a single line or two. Now, a day later, I do understand. You don't physically kill your heroes. Kill your heroes in your mind and fight for your own fate. Fight for your dreams because you can't just follow someone else your whole life. Everybody must die is what the song says and transferring to you AND your heroes. Nobody really deserves to live on forever in our memory because they usually did something wrong or non-role model worthy (if you're gonna nitpick about Jesus, then I see where you have footing and he does deserve to be respected and remembered but you got my point). I think we were all put on this planet for a reason. Whether its to save the world or save one person we all have a purpose. But I also think our fate is not pre-determined. We are put on earth for a reason not yet known. Make your reason worth every breath you take and learn to take each breath with pride.

The Power of Freeman 4/16/2013

Ah first post in a while. There's a reason. I've been in gaming isolation. This means that I've found a game so delightfully frustrating, puzzling and entertaining that I've stayed up hour after hour in my continued attempts to beat it. What game is this, dare you ask? First, allow me to tell you the backstory. I have always been up until a few months ago...a conservative gamer. That's right, I've tried to stay within my gaming boundaries I set for myself and play only games in that small sector. This, in turn, cut me off from awesome titles. Then, I was at a thrift store and found one disc that would change all this. Half Life: Game of the Year Edition. I was excited beyond belief because when you register this game you got a TON of classic Valve games. I was skeptical but bought it anyways. Over the next month I succesfully beat all three of the classic Half Life games (original, Blue Shift, and Opposing Force).

I was entranced. Never before had a FPS gotten my attention as this series had and I craved more. But then reality set in and I was unable to buy Half Life 2. I was torn. THEN...one of my good friends showed me a special website. Contained within its pages was another Half Life...Black Mesa Source. I downloaded immediately  waited two hours for the files to copy to my PC and downloaded the game without hesitation. I've been playing near non-stop between school and chores and have got only so far. If you've ever played Half Life you know the game lasts a long time. And with this ones updated designs and puzzles I can't see myself finishing anytime soon. I can only imagine what the Nihilith will be like.

On another, more melancholy note, I hope you can spare the time to pray for the people in Boston.

Just one minute of a prayer if you can manage. 

Have strength.

Dayum Guys, I'm Sorry XD 4/2/2013

It seems (after reading my past few posts and beyond) that I have forgotten the direction of this blog. And ya know, I never meant for that to happen. This was meant for me to use as a blog not an outlet for my pain and I wanted to apologize personally for that. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me and keep reading because I will be posting far more often now that things are kinda looking up. Now that my pity-party is winding down and my emo is going home bit by bit I hope that you can all see past those flaws and continue reading. In addition...I have some big news that comes in two parts.

First of all...I confessed for the first time in my entire life. The crush I've had for a long time (like...a solid crush for at least 6 months) was playing an April Fools joke on me. It wasn't a very funny joke at all, to be honest. He played depressed like he was quitting everything and even Skype and bailing on my and everyone else and even fakes logging off. My reaction was to say "DON'T. WAIT. I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU YET". At this point I was in tears I was to flipped out (see, not funny at all). He came back on and said "April Fools!" and then...asked..."Tell me what?" After a ton and I mean a ton of prying (and maybe a little emotional support from one of my good friends) I finally told him. I was sooooo emotional and scared I even made him promise to not laugh and that nothing would change between us if I told him. Of coursem he was flattered and told me that it was the first time someone had confessed to him.

Then I got a little pinch of dissapointment. He did turn me down. But I took it remarkably well. I thanked him for not overreacting and said that he has had the same thoughts a few times but would prefer to have me as a friend because he's not looking for someone more than a friend. The way he worded it and the kindness he showed that I was upsetting myself was appreciated and according to my friend (who has dated before) I took rejection like a pro (haha). I'm not that bad off for first confession/rejection. I'm actually content with myself and know that we will still be good friends. And who knows what the future holds. Maybe as we grow up he may change his mind a little. I'm not getting my hopes up but that would be nice.

So...yeah! I'll be posting more often and more positively in the future. Take care, everyone!

Ultimate Confusion 3/18/2013

That's right, depression to confusion and a pinch of nervous. I played the heartless coward and got someone else to contact my dad about me being 100% unable to to the college courses during high school. If you don't remember, they were college level classes in high school my father was dead set on making me do and I didn't qualify. I convinced m school's counselor to call my father and tell him about the college courses. Since the day she said she would, he hasn't mentioned it ONCE. Not a single time even as a comment or private remark. Nothing. Its like the idea just dissipated into thin air. I'm left confused about how the call went and nervous if he'll bring it up again. I know I'm not as brilliant as he is but he insists I am. Maybe he just need to open his eyes and see that. I'm not the genius he plays me out to be. I'm not him. Still...I'm gonna ask the counselor about the call tomorrow.

The Last Thread Tightens to Snap 3/15/2013

I can't take much more of this dissapointment. My parents are never satisfied and don't understand that I'm not them. My friends aren't talking to me anymore and they're 30 minutes away from me even though we're friends on Facebook and I'm on A LOT on my Skype so they can, the one person I thought I had a crush on is telling me he's dealing with issues and can't talk for two weeks. I...can't handle this anymore. I done with dissapointment and pain and anger. I don't know how long I'll be willing to hold on. Somebody help me.

Nothing Left 3/14/2013

I'm afraid of everything right now. I'm having a freaking anxiety attack because my dad wants me to do this program where I take college classes in High school and I don't qualify. Despite this, he insists I'm just not doing well enough. Thanks for making me feel like a living breathing asshole. Then again, I felt like shit before this happened. Screw this. Screw school and life and family and everything. God, there's literally nothing left. What's the point of even trying if its NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH?! FORGET YOU. THIS IS MY LIFE AND I DESERVE IT. ITS MINE. MINE. NOT YOURS. AND I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT TO DO WITH IT. WATCH ME. I'LL SHOW YOU. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME ANYMORE.

The Crap Hits the Fan 3/5/2013

I know I haven't been posting anything happy lately but I'm in a bit of a depression pit right now and it helps me feel better to write here. Honestly, it does. Despite having no comments and followers the views are enough for me. In my school, there's a new program being offered. You can take college level courses in high school for college credits. Although I'd like to do it...my GPA is far from the requirements...and my parents don't know that. Literally the crap is hovering over the fan, ready to hit it and kill me in the process. I'm already in piss water for hiding the remaining mousetraps. I'm just...so sick of everything. I don't feel like I'm communicating well with anyone anymore and I feel so alone. I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Saving Little Lives 3/4/2013

A lot of crap has gone down since we last talked. For instance, we have a mouse or two in the house. The problem is (besides the mice) is my father is trying to kill them with snapping traps. How dare he show such blatant disregard for life. This is why the world is in such the state its in now. Because people refuse to respect the lives of other creatures who have little to no difference from us, we can simply go out and kill in other countries. He even lied to me, for the first time in years, about the traps. He lied and said there were two and there were four set up in reality. To replace them I have HavaHeart mouse-sized traps to set out. I did. Within 15 minutes of setting it up I had one. In your face. I then went around the house with a pencil setting off all the snap-traps he placed and threw them away. Serves you right. You won' care about another living, breathing creature and I won't care about your stupid traps.

This brings me to another point. What makes their lives so much more worthless than ours? Because they haven't built a civilization? Because they don't talk? Is that IT? In my mind I believe that every single animal deserves the right to another breath on the Earth. No matter how small or large they are, they should also have the God given rights man claims only they have for freedom of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. To finish off the rant I gotta deal out the facts. People who are more willing or like to hurt/kill animals are more likely to hurt humans for their own entertainment. I have three links for this. Pet-Abuse.com, Peta.org (I usually hate these little bitches but they have the facts this time), and Canadians for Animal Welfare Reform. And I know this post is early but I'm fully expecting to get grounded for setting off the remaining traps he'll set. I don't care. The score stands at ME-1 and HIM-0.

My Brother 2/25/2013

I officially think my brother need help. We were joking around and I grabbed his bag of chips and tossed it onto my desk. He then got throughly pissed for no aparent reason and whipped the clip at my face, punched my arm and took it back. This happened a half hour ago and it still hurts. Now, he's playing a game and laughing like nothing happened. Screw him. I don't like this monster he's becoming. He's a bully. He calls me derogatory names all the time. I wish he would just...stop...

Just Go Away...FOREVER 2/18/2013

The moment when you go onto Facebook and see that one of your classmates in your small class of 30 people of 9th through 12th grade total posts "I hate this school and everyone in it." Well, I'm in it and I've been nothing but awesome to you since I first met you. Sorry I wasn't good enough to NOT be hated by you despite my support. Just go away then. Friends who group people together and judge them in packs deserve nothing from me. Just screw off. That's it, I'm done caring for people like you. Everyone just needs to go away.

As you can see I'm in one of my pits again. Since my tablet is broken I can't draw and vent and I'm sure as hell not going to write because if someone in my family finds it they'll judge. I hate people who judge. GAH! I JUST HATE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW...They cause nothing but pain. I think everyone should just leave me alone. Just go away...

In other news my mother keeps talking about my savings money like I'm going to actually start driving someday. Stop acting like you have my future planned out for me. Stop treating me like I'm your doll you can live through. I have my own soul and my own future and its mine to make. If I wanted to forget everything you've taught me up until now and do whatever I wanted I could. I could get away from here and leave forever and you'd only be upset because I didn't grow up to be a clone of you. Like I said, everyone needs to go away.

Fuck off everyone.

First Legit Celebrity Crush? 2/1/2013

Today I saw the last half of Skyfall, that new James Bond movie, in my darkened living room. The new Q is...amazingly adorable. Or as my firned put it "a real Qtie". I gotta say, he really is. That is all...no seriously, that's it. That's all I have to say. You can carry on about in your average days.

No Summer Job 2/11/2013

At 17 years old, I have had my first "HOLY CRAP" realization. Not like the basic "HOLY CRAP I FORGOT TO TURN IN ____" like the explosive "HOLY CRAP...IF ___ THEN ___ AND ___...!"  I was just laying in bed playing my Rhythm Heaven DS game when it hit me when I looked at my ceiling. I thought "Oh my God...someday sooner than later I'm going to look up at my ceiling and I'll be totally alone under one roof. I'll be all by myself in my future home...and that'll be it..." Its been on my mind for a long while that my life has slowly been slipping away from me. Adulthood is nipping at my heels and even though I know its the fate of everyone...it still makes me feel like garbage. I don't WANT to just melt into society! I don't want to end up being a nobody of society waking up, going to work, going home and to bed and then just repeating that every single day. It would kill me. It would literally kill me. I could never live like that. EVER.

My parents already know about this whole thing and I've decided this far in advance that for this reason I won't be getting a Summer job to better dedicate my time to my family. I mean...this is my last Summer before college. I will NOT waste it in some crummy job somewhere. I love my family too much. I guess...I'll get one after that summer then. Wish me luck. I...really need it. The future has officially scared the living hell out of me.

Venting About Myself 2/7/2013

Well, it seems we have a lot to catch up on, my lovelies. The new permanent principal for our school started a day or two ago. Besides bringing muffins, I am still especially suspicious of her. We had a demon before and I'm not about to let someone new into my heart. She better not take it personally. It's just the way I am. Today we stayed home and even though I said I'd get everything done for school I didn't even log on. I feel so stupid and I'm expecting to get talked to tomorrow. I am so behind already and I'm dropping into one of my depressed periods again. Sucks to be me right now.

In other news, my mom started a blog. It's getting harder and harder to keep this one a secret. It's killing me. I will never tell her about this. Ever. This is MY world and MY secret. This is a place where I can freely speak and not worry about being judged or punished for m actions. I won't subscribe to her blog either. If she has my account, she'll look to my profile. If she goes to my profile, she'll see this. Look, mom, I have my secrets. Trust me. There's things I won't even write on here.

I guess right now my biggest issue is loneliness. Again I am struck by the singleness...With Single Awareness Day quickly approaching, I'm seeing Valentines pop up all over the place and even though I don't technically celebrate it either way I still feel lonely in my little reality bubble. I know i'm not the only on in this same boat but it is still a very empty feeling. Then again, there's another issue that's far more pressing and far more sad. My weight. I'm severly overweight for my age and I give myself panic attacks and upset stomachs trying to make myself stop eating. I will be totally honest. If I could be anorexic, I would. If I could lose weight like an anorexic, I WOULD. I WOULD IN A MINUTE, NO...A SECOND. Why am I so...ugly?

Still VERY VERY Sick 2/2/2013

Still sick. So very, very sick. I'm actually getting worse as the hours and minutes go by. It's kind of scary if you ask me but i'm sure it'll go away soon. Trust me, I read WebMD. Then again it said I had...(goes to check) either strep throat or throat cancer. There is no way in hell I have cancer so its either a damn hard flu or strep throat. Wish me luck in kicking this bastard's ass. And also, my filter goes away when I'm sick. As you can see.

The Flu Hits Home 1/31/2013

Hey everyone! Just so you all know, if I don't post for a few more days (which you should be used to by now) its because I have been stricken by the flu. Its evidently more of an issue than people may think! Its effecting all 50 states badly and I have become one of the statistics. I know I should be in bed but whatever. I wanted to tell everyone so you don't worry (me thinking you would makes me feel better...). I really should be getting rest, though. Night all!

Anxiety for the WIN 1/29/2013

Considering my extended absence from writing to all you adorable and mostly lovable folks, you all deserve an explanation. You've heard it once and by golly you're gonna ehar it again.School. Yes, school. Between exams, anxiety attacks and trying to balance a new comic being tossed onto my shoulders by my imagination I have been too busy for my own good. I spent this past weekend goofing off (BAD MOVE) and now I'm having chest pains and migraines due to stress over school. Everything, tests and all is due by midnight. I've finished 80% of everything and have already shot out an apology and a pleading on my knees for more time on the last tiny project. Seriously, I'm going to go in tomorrow and even if I'm covered in acid-filled fire-ants and my hair is covered in angry blue demon fire I WILL TURN THIS DAMN THING IN. Time to get no sleep tonight and force my way through a 12 part project on little more energy than a germ-sized solar-panel collects in a day. Just remember, I'M NOT HAVING FUN. Wish me luck, lovable bros. And remember, procrastination is evil. It WILL eventually kill you.

Snow and Relationships 1/11/2013

I woke up this morning to the sight of evil-looking black clouds and a dense fog hanging around everywhere. Evidently, its cold enough to give me hill-size goosebumps but warm enough to have rain instead of snow. I mean, I have absolutely no problem with rain at all its just...I wish there had been more snow this year. Like last year, I was frightfully disappointed at the lack of snowfall. It hurts to not have more fluff. Anyways, back on topic, the rain stopped about noon and the sun started shining and my first thought was "At least now it'll be warm." Nature thought otherwise. IT was cold, if not colder, than it was this morning. And now they say it'll be 60 tomorrow (for those peeps in other countries, they say it'll be about 15 tomorrow). Wish me luck in mourning Winter, my beloved.

Great tie into this next rant (haha). I can't say I'm "lonely" per-say I'm single. Today at school, since we're an odd school, we had a sheet go around with two seemingly simple questions on it. "Would you like there to be a spring dance?" to which I responded 'Maybe, I don't see why not.' THEN they asked "Would you bring a date." I pu on my forever alone face and wrote 'Probably not'. I just sat there with the paper in my hands thinking to myself 'Damn...I'm 17 and have never had anything CLOSE to a boyfriend...heck to this day I have 3 guy friends and one of the is taken and one of them is gay...' The teacher then had to pry the papers away from me before my tears got on it (JUST KIDDING). I didn't cry but man...its a sad feeling. I know I'm totally not skinny but...I could totally be an awesome girlfriend. I do have a crush but I don't even know if the guy feels the same way. I need a hobby besides drawing all by myself. And maybe less protective parent but that's a tale for another time. Night guys! I'm going home to finish my Friday in style IMEAN finish my homework (Not really...).

Replacement 1/10/2013

As you may have heard here my first principal at this new and amazing school had passed away. The replacement is nothing like the previous one. Though he is temporary, he is a cold man. He came into the school on my first day back and the day after he had passed away with guns ablaze ready to suspend people who turned in assignments late or missed a class by accident (which in the school i'm in, is quite possible). This, in effect, sent me into a frenzy of tears and automatically soured me on this evil man. I know he was a verteran of the Vietnam War but SERIOUSLY. Do you REALLY think you're helping a school with dozens of grieving students by grazing everyone's butt with bullets of threats of suspension?! I hate this guy. He's treating this like a bootcamp and not a school. He needs to go away and never, eve come back. Ya' know, I cannot wait til they get a permanent replacement.

I don't care if you're a veteran of any war (don't get me wrong I love the guys who protect the country but this is a special case); if you're an ass, I refuse to respect you. The Vietnam War shouldn't have even happened in the first place. I guess that makes me a hippie and/or communist right? Though I would like hippie's values on peace and stuff the drugs and sex is...gross. And COMMUNIST?! REALLY?! I have been called that before though...ANYWAYS! I know I'm posting earlier and earlier but with school the way it is I just want to get it over with in the morning. Love ya'll!

Its Been Forever! 1/8/2013

It felt so weird to type 2013 just now. Either way, Happy New Year everyone! So much has happened in these past few months that I haven't been updating for odd and probably easily-dismisable reasons. Just bear with me as I unload the past few weeks on you. Don't worry, there's only one bad thing! For one thing I got asked out for the FIRST TIME in my entire life. Sadly, he got a girlfriend three days later and cancelled our plans to go see a movie and I was kinda dissapointed. I mean, I didn't know him that well but thats what dates are for right? It was an anime movie so we would have been totally in our element there. I didn't take it too personally, I mean he's a good enough kid and I'm happy for him. Thats one piece of news.

Well shoot, I should have handled this right off the bat. December 21st I turned 17! That's totally exciting, no? I'm actually quite upset about growing up. I want to stay a kid forever and ever so I won't melt into society someday. I don't want to become part of the grey drone of society. I don't want to stand out but...I don't want to blend in either. I want to be the best person I can be without being judged as a robot of the world. Wish me luck. My mother is also trying to force a summer job on me. I'm going to try and get a job at this icecream place by my  house which is no more than a 10 minute walk from my front door. I'll see what I can do because I am NOT DRIVING or getting a car. I don't think I'll ever drive...

No matter what, I'm alive everyone! Take care!

Yes, I watched the timer hit zero. Know why? I'm a nerd and I love it.